The Time Warp Technique
by Crumpled
Summary: Naruto has discovered an ancient scroll dating back hundreds of years, labeled "The Time Warp Technique." What does this mysterious jutsu do? As Naruto attempts to find out, hilarity ensues.


Disclamer: I do not own Naruto, nor the other thing whose stuff shall be used; though if I say what it will give away the entire point of the story :)

Here's to hoping you don't become TOO mentally scarred:

**Naruto the the Time Warp Technique**

Naruto's eyes widened as he read the large scroll in his hands. The scroll itself was old - easily older than anyone Naruto himself knew. His eyes skipped over the hard to read, formal kanji of the jutsu scroll. Finally, they rested on the title of the technique.

"Time Warp Technique."

Naruto spoke the words aloud, letting them roll off his tongue. Could it really be true? A technique that would send him into the past? He'd found this scroll in the back of Orochimaru's Forbidden Technique library, which was located in the base he and several of his fellow Leaf ninja had recently destroyed.

Laying the scroll down on the rock, Naruto placed his hands into the "dog" position, as was instructed. Behind him, Kakashi-sensei gave a particularly loud snort in his sleep. Ignoring his teacher, Naruto continued with the hand seals.

Dog, bird, tiger, rabbit, deer, bird, bird, tiger, dragon... the list continued on and on. The last seal was unknown to Naruto, and he hesitated before forming the strange formation with his hands.

A blue light filled the cave where Naruto, Kakashi-sensei, Yamato and the rest of the Rookie Nine slept. A few people sat straight up, grabbing weapons. The unearthly blue light was streaming out a strange symbol which had appeared in the middle of the scroll. Naruto stepped backwards, nearly tripping over a rock.

"NARU-" Sakura began to yell, angry at him for waking her up. Then, mid-screech, she stopped short. Surprised (he'd never heard Sakura stop in the middle of a yell) Naruto turned around. The blue light was streaming into her mouth and through her fingers, as was all twenty other occupants of the cave.

Horrified, Naruto rushed over, trying to push his friends out of the glowing blue light. But they were held in place as if by some unseen force. Wincing in apology, Naruto powered a punch with a hint of Sage Chakra and punched Kiba. Still nothing. His heart sped up even faster.

This was the first time the chakra provided by the Toads hadn't done even a little bit of damage.

Naruto was about to fire up the Rasengan and destroy parts of their surroundings (damned be the consequences) when in the most uniform movement he'd ever seen even as a ninja, all shinobi touched by the strange light snapped their legs together, arms by their sides.

The only way Naruto could tell they weren't mindless robots was by their eyes, which, unlike their bodies, were moving angrily - most focused on Naruto and promising retribution. Then, all at once, a strange sound began reverberating against the stone walls. It sounded a bit like a_ Sanshin_ - a stringed instrument he'd seen played in festivals.

But at the same time, completely different. The sound repeated in a hollow, metallic beat.

Then, suddenly, Neji stepped forward and began to speak. At first, Naruto was relieved. The strange technique had ended! But when he took in the words, Naruto's heart was chilled further still.

"_It's astounding. _

_Time is fleeting. _

_Madness takes its toll._" Naruto's mouth dropped open.

"_But listen closely..."_

Then, even more to his astonishment, Hinata stepped forward.

"_Not for very much longer,_" she sang in a voice totally not her own. Her eyes looked mortified, and were even larger than usual. Then, back to Neji.

"_I've got to keep control_." Neji moved around the cave in strange, jerky movements.

"_I remember _

_doing the time warp._

_Drinking those moments when... _

_the Blackness would hit me._"

Then, Hinata sang again.

"_And the void would be calling..._"

Naruto was dumbstruck. He sat down on a rock, allowing the seemingly not harmful technique to continue. Then, he jumped as all his friends leaped up and sang as one, bright lights and more music appearing from nowhere. They turned to their sides one by one, dancing excitedly.

"_LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!_" They repeated the movement, jumping the other way and waving their fingers.

"_LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!" _

"_It's just a jump to the left." _This was Kakashi, speaking the most polite, clipped voice Naruto had ever heard.

"_AND THEN A STEP TO THE RIGHT!_"

"_Put your hands on your hips_," all his friends did so.

"_YOU PULL YOUR KNEES IN TIGHT! _

_BUT IT'S THE PELVIC THRUST _

_THAT REALLY DRIVE YOU INSANE.._." Naruto spluttered as everyone thrust their hips forward; some in a mentally scarring manner (Rock Lee, Neji and Yamato among others), and others in just a strange way - most of the girls.

"_LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!" _They repeated the jump and twist movement, and the waving hands.

"_LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!" _

Then, Hinata stepped forward again. She was wearing a night dress, unlike the jacket she would normally be wearing. She ruffled it around, moving her body in strange stiff motions and baring her teeth as she sang, only her eyes betraying mortification.

"_It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me._

_So you can't see me, no, not at all._

_In another dimension, with_

_voyeuristic intention,_

_Well secluded, I see all._"

Naruto was literally incapable of speaking. His mouth had been open so long that his tongue was dry. He snapped it closed audibly.

Shikamaru stepped forward and began to sing, taking over from the most likely grateful Hinata.

"_With a bit of a mind flip,_" he sang in a scratchy voice, swishing his undone hair. Behind him, Naruto's other friends were dancing and dragging themselves against the rough cave walls.

"_You're into the time slip!_" Ino responded, pushing herself up against Shikamaru and dancing with him.

"_And nothing can ever be the same._" Shino.

"_You're spaced out on the sensation!_" Kurenai-sensei.

"_Like you're under sedation..._" Chouji.

Then, again, they all jumped and danced in a singular movement.

"_LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!"_

_LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!"_

Then, Anko (who was present because of her knowledge of Orochimaru's inner workings) stepped forward and began to sing and preform a tap dancing number. Out of all of them, Anko looked to be the only one having fun. That was, until she noticed the lyrics she was singing.

"_Well I was walking down the street_

_just a-having a think_

_When a snake of a guy gave me an_

_evil wink._

_He shook-a me up, he took me by surprise._

_He had a pickup truck, and the_

_devil's eyes._

_He stared at me and I felt a change._

_Time meant nothing, never would again!"_

Naruto gulped. He was going to be in for it later... Then, for what felt like the millionth (and yet no less strange and hilarious) time:

"_LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!_

_LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!"_

"_It's just a jump to the left..." _this time, it was Kiba singing, his low voice scratchy.

"_AND THEN A STEP TO THE RIGHT!"_

"_Put your hands on your hips..." _Shino directed, moving his hips in the most exaggerated movement Naruto had ever seen him do.

"_You bring your knees in tight._

_But it's the pelvic thrust_

_That really drives you insane._

_LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!_

_LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!"_

Then, it stopped. The music, the flashing, colorful lights... the admittedly catchy beat and "adult" lyrics. For a second, his friends stayed in their technique-influenced personas. Then, in a rush, the blue light flew out of their mouthes and back in the glowing symbol etched onto the ancient scroll.

Naruto stood there, mouth still hanging open. The edges of his lips twitched up. He snickered. Every single person - of the approximately fifteen there - glared at him. Then, Naruto did something he hadn't done since his much more carefree Genin days.

He burst out into raucous laughter. He laughed for a good five minutes straight, tears jerking themselves from his eyes. Naruto's stomach hurt from the effort. Then, slowly but surely, he began to calm.

Finally, he was quiet, the only sounds breaking the silence of the cave being the odd hiccup. Naruto looked around him and gulped.

"Err... guys?" he asked tentatively, holding his hands up in a show of surrendering.

"_NA-RU-TOOOOOOO_!"

_**THE END**_

_This idea literally jumped into my head in the middle of a story. Without ado or further thought, I opened this word document and started to write. This is the strange and possibly damaging result. _

_I hope you liked it!_


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